I know scheduling anything that once was spontaneous feels totally weird, but trust me, if you don't schedule it, it won’t happen! During the new parent chapter of your life journey, sleep is short, time is short and staying in touch with your feelings and that of your partner are very short. Yet staying intimate and relational is the very river of life blood that nourishes your relationship-land. Without it, drought and famine usually ensue (yeah, I’m getting all dramatic). Seriously, without this kind of intentional connecting, it’s too easy to get isolated and lonely, even together. I say this because it happened to me, it’s happened to many I know and it motivated me to share the importance of creating intentional rituals of connecting with you. That’s all fine and good, you may be thinking, but how the heck do I get in the head space to connect when I’m covered in baby vomit and feel like death? Well, I have some thoughts on that, a ritual and an elixir as well!
Thoughts
# 1 You’re body may have changed, what you do with your days, your very identity may be in flux AND you are still very much deserving of relaxation, strokes, pleasure and ease.
#2 The non birthing partner frequently has their own challenges and does not fully get yours BUT that doesn’t mean either of you can’t be loving, kind and chill with each other, if you can find the time.
#3 Whatever your brain is telling you, trust me, this a PHASE. It will not last forever. You will rebound. Your body, your brain, you career, your identity will be changed yes, but awesome, if you take the time now to tend to yourself sweetly, how ever you can.
#4 The best way to feel good is to lower your expectations, laugh often about imperfection and schedule time to lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling and hold hands.
Elixir
I have spent a lot of time asking what stressed out humans would like in a magical potion, if such a thing existed. They all answered versions of this: I want to relax, feel comfortable in my own skin, a little silly and kinda sensual, and I took these directives to heart in formulating Euphoria Found. A synergistic blend of mimosa, damiana, reishi mushroom and the ayurvedic herbs ashwaghanda and bacopa blended with a rare and delicious local, raw honey. Euphoria Found is designed to replace a cocktail. Mix a tablespoon of it into hot water and enjoy.
Nightly Ritual
Block out an hour at the end of each day (yeah, you heard me right)
Make two cups of warm water and put a spoonful of Euphoria Found in each.
Sit facing each other and hand each other a cup with eye contact. Take a deep breath and really see each other for that moment.
Take 20 minutes each ( use a timer) to drink your potion and share everything you want and need to share about what’s up for you. Tell your partner how you would like to be supported ie logistical help, physical affection, empathetic listening. The listening partner does not speak but does listen and take notice of how you would like to be cared for.
At the end, each of you may say two things you appreciate about each other and that’s it.
Lay on the floor or on the bed and just hold hands or spoon. Say nothing. Do nothing for 30 mins or so.
If you that’s where you leave it, great. Put no pressure for anything more. Repeat the above each week and if you want add some foot rubs or back massage or anywhere touching, some version of sexual stuff or textbook sexual stuff, great.
It’s ok to be anything you are and in addition it’s nice to be as kind as you can be with each other and your self.